Are you currently in a relationship with that certain adult that is not-okay? The other adult may be a child, spouse, coworker, parent, boss, or neighbor. Not-okayness in your relationship can be like a fever in your body. A little is doable, a lot and I want you and everyone else  to “leave me alone”.  Are you telling important people in your life “leave me alone” when really you want to say “come to me”? A NBS life coach can help you bring about a more lasting homeostatic temperature to the important relationships in your life.

Thomas Harris wrote a book in 1967 entitled “I’m Okay, You’re Okay”. He put forth four relational stances or styles:

I’m okay, You’re not okay (+-)

I’m not okay, You’re okay. (-+)

I’m not okay,You’re not okay. (–)

I’m okay, You’re okay. (++)

++ holds the most promise for relationship win wins. “I’m okay, you’re okay” relationships are characterized by a sustaining freedom that flows within and among its people. This freedom is a love characterized by abundant measures of acceptance, kindness, forgiveness, and unceasing goodwill. The oxygen of ++ relationships is expectancy and hope, not expectations or nope. People in “I’m okay, you’re okay” relationships do not judge one another nor do they lose time getting tripped up by record keeping and grudge holding. Compared to the other three, the path of ++ relationships is smoother, straighter, and higher. 

The most common relationship stance that is not the win win type is the “I’m not okay, you’re okay” style. When people talk about this style they usually refer to it by its more familiar name “putting a person on a pedestal”. It is normal and probably healthy when a child puts a bonding adult on a pedestal. It is less healthy when a person continues to put significant others on a pedestal well into his or her adult years. As you might imagine, pedestalizing others in important relationships has its downfalls. In fact, -+  style of relationship is often a lose lose (–) because the person on the ground isn’t getting enough and the person atop the pedestal is rarely allowed to come down by the one on the ground. The lower one needs the higher one to stay put; how else are they ever going to reach their own heights without someone pulling them up? The “I’m not okay, you’re okay” often has high levels of resentment, frustration, and loneliness. It is lonely at the top, and the bottom. 

The other two styles, “I’m okay, you’re not okay” and “I’m not okay, you’re not okay” are interesting and can actually promote healthier relationship intimacy when applied from a particular mindset. This valuable mindset will be explored in an upcoming blog.

The coaches at NBS Life Coaching are ready to help you experience win wins in any and all your relationships. Your relational well-being and individual stability are important to us and we want to help you get there.